Going offroad? Take the bus
30/6/2004

We spotted it up ahead. A green Mitsubishi Colt bus. It looked like all the other green Mitsubishi buses I had ever seen in Dili, but this one was different. It was the bus we were meant to be on. I don’t know how our cab driver knew this, but he took chase, beeping. Each time we nearly caught up, a speed hump or moving obstacle would prevent us from drawing alongside to signal the driver.

Finally we made ourselves known and the bus stopped.

“Ba Suai?”

“Sine.”

We proceeded to unload the cab - pushbike, 4 x 10 litre water containers, 2 x giant backpacks, 1 box of food, several smaller bags and ourselves. All this was hauled unceromoniously onto the bus. The bike went on the roof. The front seat was already taken, which meant we were in the back with the other passengers, chickens, pigs and produce. It was going to be a long, hot, 10 hour drive.

Now you might be wondering how it could take 10 hours to cover what is really no more than a few hundred kilometres. It’s a combination of factors, but mostly it has to do with the poor state of the roads. And I’m not just talking potholes. I’m talking landslides, mudslips, river crossings, places where the road used to be and now there are just piles of rubble. Places where the road kinda disappears and you drop several feet onto uneven gravel. Places where you wonder if there ever was a road and how the hell they managed to build in such a precarious spot on a jagged mountain.

The drivers over here are incredible. They’ll take humble buses places my hardcore four-wheel-driving mates wouldn’t take their Landcruisers. Seriously. I have never seen a bus handled with such precision and skill. But the trip is slow - necessarily. It’s not good to lose buses full of food and passengers off the side of mountains.

The fantastic thing about bus rides - apart from the driving - is the scenery. You get to travel through tiny villages - all traditional grass huts with thatched roofs, trimmed unevenly like a bad haircut. You get to pass incredible mountains and rock formations, follow rivers, traverse cliffs and cling to coastline. And you get to pass markets full of all sorts of people and produce. All for $5 or less - no matter how much crap you take with you.

East Timor road rules

The Portugese theory of driving in East Timor goes something like this:

1. If it’s a goat and it’s eating, no problem. It is occupied and won’t jump in front of a vehicle.
2. If it’s a cow and it’s eating, ditto.
3. If it’s a pig, beep once and it will scamper.
4. If it’s a dog, start beeping from a few hundred metres away and it will move. If not, one less starving dog is no big deal.
5. But if it’s a chicken, you’ve got problems. Chickens are unpredictable, they like to cross the road for dumb reasons and if you hit a chicken you have to pay. That’s a family’s Sunday dinner.
6. Finally, beware the night buffalo. They’re big, they only come out at night and you don’t want to tangle with them - even in a UN vehicle. (Note: Night buffalo cunningly disguise themselves in sunlight as the less sinister day buffalo. Don’t be fooled.)

When I first heard this theory, I laughed. Surely the chaos of driving in developing countries could not be so easily categorised. (Except for the bit about night buffalo which is, of course, common knowledge.)

But the theory was put through rigorous UN testing procedures, with independent witnesses, and time and again the animals behaved as predicted. We are at this moment waiting for the theory to be written into scientific law.

The only other rules on Timor’s roads involve complicated etiquette with regard to using the horn.

You should use the horn to:

- say hello as you pass houses in a village
- greet people at the side of the road
- move animals that are on the road
- move animals you can’t see that might be on the road
- warn people who are on the road to make room
- greet traffic coming the other way
- alert traffic going the same way that you are about to overtake
- warn traffic coming the other way that you are about to fly around a blind corner in the middle of the road (if you hear an answering beep - hit the brakes!)
- if, for any other reason you feel like making some noise